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My nephews stole my phone one day. They’ll be our poster boys of awkwardness.

So, over the past few days I’ve had a burning desire to write about singleness because, to be honest, most of us have a pretty skewed interpretation of that word. Not that I’m an expert or anything, but I frequently want to play dodge ball with those who try to define MY singleness…except they don’t get balls. Or head gear.

But my friend Ty brought up some great memories of our time together in undergrad and I got to thinking. Today, a day that has stressed me out a bit, would be a good day to share some awkward moments in time. Hopefully they will make you feel as awkward as they made me.

1.) “Secret Lovers?”

That time when I became fast friends with a Latina at a group meeting. We had so much in common and quickly began girl talk in Spanish. She was telling me her secrets so I decided to run something by her. No harm, right? Wrong. I mentioned that a friend of mine had been telling me about a great guy she knows and I was weighing whether it’s something I should be open to. Well, turns out the guy was one of her BFFs. Still not a big deal since she said she wasn’t interested in dating anyone. But then she starts to ignore me. Come to find out she is more likely than not secretly in love with him. What are the ODDS that she even KNEW HIM?! *sigh* We were only friends for 30 min. That has to be a record.

2.) “I Keep on Falling”  <— (did you get the Alicia Keys reference? Ok, moving on…)

I was invited to Lyrics Poetry Lounge in the H (shout out to my Houston folk!) one fateful Friday night. I’m telling you, you couldn’t TOUCH me that night because I looked so good. I walked in that joint late and sparkling like bourgeois Cinderella. The night was young and I was sexy the whole time. Well,except for this one hiccup in the timeline. I was rocking my gold Coach wristlette vs a large bag b/c I didn’t need any distractions from the outfit. So, I’m sitting at the table and I need to regloss (lip moisture is pertinent even in dark places). Something falls from my bag, but I don’t see what. The sweet young gentleman next to me hurries to pick it up. I realize he’s used extra discretion in passing it to me. Why, you ask? Turns out my tampon, which was awesomely wrapped in LIME GREEN plastic, is what fell. Of all of the things that could’ve fallen, why that?! Thanks a lot, Kotex, for making sure my feminine products glow in the dark.

3.)”I’m in Love with a [Mythical] Stripper” (cue T-Pain)

Once upon a time in a land of burnt orange (also known as UT), a rumor started that I used to dance at a strip joint off Lamar called The Yellow Rose. Now, it completely evades me how this rumor came about, but it officially turned into an urban legend when my dear, sweet mother told a group of my friends it was true (now y’all know why I go to therapy). At any rate, it is a running joke amongst my friends and one day I decided to share it with one of my newest friends. Now, the response I expected from him was: “Haha! Wow, you must really know how to work it!” or something comparable to this. This is what I got instead: “A stripper? Why would anyone ever believe that you were a stripper? Strippers aren’t fat.” e_e (side eyes) At that very moment, with make-believe crickets chirping in the silence, I wanted to prove myself by dancing like Candy in The Best Man then following up with a Judo chop to his throat. Instead, I stared, blew out air, and went back to reading my book. Jesus saved him that day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udIMe67PxvY (Candy’s Dance)

4.) “Me and Mr. Jones….Ain’t NOTHING Going On!”

Back in the gap, I worked at an institute of learning..if that’s what you want to call it. Anyway, I had good relationships with a handful of my coworkers. One of them, who happened to be male, agreed to run an organization with me. We were good friends, but because of my personal ethics and convictions I kept a safe distance since he was married. At least that’s what my naive mind was telling me. I felt relieved when I discovered he was married to a childhood friend. I looked forward to connecting with BOTH of them. Well, one day just out of the blue she makes a snide comment on a FB post of mine about a game I was playing with her spouse (amongst many other people). Her complaint was he didn’t like to play with her but always with me. In my mind I’m like “Chick, I don’t live at yo house! How would I even know that? And frankly, I don’t care. BLOCK!”, but I handled it graciously…until the accusation came in. A few days later, him and I were chatting and come to find out she thought we were having an affair!!! ME?!!!!!! I don’t even remember how to flirt! How could I be booing it up with yo dude? When was this alleged affair occurring, during a union break? Girl please. I may try to keep to myself, but if I’m going to do something that ridiculous, you better believe I’ll come to your house and take him off the porch so you’ll know exactly where he went. Ain’t nobody got time. And when I did see her, she rolled her eyes at me. I almost threw a box of Shipley’s Donuts at her head. But I didn’t because no donut deserves that. And I’m classier than that….I think. Nah, I just didn’t want to waste good donuts.

5.) “Pimp Juice” <—– (does ANYONE remember this song by Nelly?!)

Ok, other than being accused of being a stripper, it is a widely known non-fact that I am also a pimp. I could see that. I did tell Ty that I wanted my bachelorette party to be based on the aforementioned Nelly song, sort of a farewell to my nonexistent pimp ways. Anyway, I don’t know if this is awkward or just plain ridiculous. One morning during first period, I was teaching passionately. Not really, it was too early. We were all looking bored in there so it was pretty uneventful. Except for this one kid. He hated me. I made him do the most horrendous things. Like complete classwork and act his age. Inhumane, I know. On this particular day he decided it was time to take out the Wicked Witch of the East[side]. He couldn’t take the tyranny of having to achieve in a language that he already spoke fluently (Spanish). Now, one of my rules was if you fall asleep and I wake you up more than once, you lose your chair for 5 minutes. Of course he went to sleep right in front of me. I ask him to stand, proceeded to take his chair, and then suddenly he’s on the floor (wait, what?!). He storms out of the room angrily. Apparently he didn’t know that I don’t chase men. I kept teaching. 10 min later, the SWAT of the school was at my door. What in the WORLD? This little (insert word substitution here) went and told the office that I SMACKED him, he fell and hit his head and neck on the desk and then fell on the floor. Now, I know my reputation proceeds me, but I am a lover and rarely a fighter. If I physically attack ANYBODY, it means that you came at me first and I felt like my life was in danger. Point B- If I smack you, you ain’t gettin up, bro. I got thug sumo wrestler in my DNA. Automatic TKO. But bro, they investigated me like I was on The First 48. Took statements from my kids and everything. Luckily, nobody else in 1st period had a vendetta against me (lol) and all that happened was they took that (sub appropriate term here) out of my class. Still, pimp slapping a student? C’mon son. You know that would’ve been on WorldStar Hiphop.

That’s all for now! Be on the lookout for the Awkward Archives Pt. Dos, coming soon to an office computer (because you know you only read my blog when you’re bored at work) near you!!! I’ll probably be talking about dysfunctional moments in my family. Probably I should start a whole other blog for that.

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-Flashe

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