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“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”

– 1 Corinthians 6:18

For almost 30 years now I have lived my sex life, or lack thereof, based on scriptures such as the aforementioned…. and frankly, I’m ready to set them on fire.

Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh. You can get indignant with me and start your pharisaic preaching. Call me sacrilegious if you must. Whatever. I’m horny and I’m tired of acting like this life of piety/purity isn’t difficult. It is downright hellacious. There is just no other way to say it. I think I’m starting to black out occasionally because every now and again I come to and I’m singing songs that I don’t even like- like “Genie in a Bottle” by Christina Aguilera. You just have to rub me the right way. *thinking* Come to think of it, I probably should avoid too much touching. I may start to melt. Or end up on a spinoff of Snapped called Snapped: Virgins Unleashed. I would shame my mother and the memory of my father.

All I’m saying is years ago when I took the purity pledge with my youth group and married Jesus (can you really do this?) with my ring engraved with “True Love Waits” in Hebrew, none of those ragamuffin youth leaders bothered to tell us that this pledge didn’t serve as a force against raging hormones or natural desires to be connected to someone on a physical level. They failed to mention that my devout, Mother Theresa-like adherence to these biblical truths didn’t make me any less susceptible to wanting to be touched, held, and everything else you hear in a R. Kelly song. Ok, maybe Jagged Edge. R. Kelly is a wee bit too questionable, even for me (you know, with my reputation as an alleged ex-stripper).  Maybe 112…. hmm. *drifting* Sorry, a song is on Pandora. Maybe I should skip this one. My shower head doesn’t even work so the song’s not applicable. ANYWAY, somebody lied via omission. I’m going to send them a voicemail with a recording of Liam Neeson’s famous line from Taken- I will find you…and I will kill you. Because of you, I’M STRUGGLING something serious.

[shameful admission intermission]

For instance, when I worked for Girl Scouts as a program planner/ cookie pusher (which is a separate, unrelated story), I had so many close calls of almost offering myself to attractive strangers. There is a vast difference between “Hello sir, would you like to sample OUR cookies” and “Hello sir, would you like to sample MY cookies.” It’s more than semantics. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit managed to correct my phrasing every time, lest I be mistaken for the Whore of Babylon (see Revelations 17).

Sidebar- While I’m thinking about it, if you are not a virgin, PLEASE stop giving me advice on waiting. I know that you mean well and feel like you are saving me, but honestly you just make me want to push you into a bedpost and make you hit your baby toe on the hardest part. Waiting as a teenager just makes sense. Waiting as a functional adult who desires a family, has never been kissed, or even been on a date is a ballgame you will NEVER be in or understand so you have no authority in the matter. If you want to avoid my misguided wrath that results from my sexual frustration, you may want to sit in the stands and pray for me. And be ready to just remind me of the promise I made to God if you see me stepping out of bounds. That type of support and accountability is helpful, not motivational speeches from your sexually-active self. Don’t get kicked in the clavicle. And believe me, I can  kick that high.

No but for real y’all. The struggle is extra real. Back in my high and mighty days, I would judge the MESS out of someone engaging in premarital sex, ESPECIALLY if you took the purity pledge with me. You weakling! You were pretty much a failure in my tunnel vision. But now? SHHHHIIIIIIIIII. Bay-bay. Don’t get me wrong. I still don’t believe in premarital sex. But since we’re like old friends now with me telling you all my bedroom dirt (or lack, haha), I can be honest. There is a crevice deep down that’s a little envious of you. I silently and shamefully cheer for you even if you’re fornicating because you’ve made it to the figurative promised land. Not to be confused with or compared to Canaan, the Israelites’ Promised Land… even I’m not THAT crass. Now don’t start with that “Oh Flashe, sex isn’t all people make it out to be” malarkey. To date, I haven’t met anyone who has said this and then took an oath of chastity after one experience. Ever. It may not be what the movies make it, but a grip of folk are still participating in this pastime so there is SOME clout there.

What I guess I’m going for at this point is learning to acknowledge and appreciate my sexuality while CONTENTLY honouring my vow to stay a virgin until married. I don’t want to just not have sex. Right now, my primary deterrents are pregnancy and STD transmission (y’all know good ‘n well I’m a germaphobe). This doesn’t make me any more committed to God or pure before Him. I’m sure that time I didn’t accept an invitation to go back to the hotel with my friend’s FINE cousin after a wedding doesn’t count as sexually moral. I didn’t go, but I wanted to. I was about to do a Swan Lake dive into his car had it not been for divine intervention. I shouldn’t be upset when my friend tells me that I am the poster child for abstinence. To her, it was a compliment. She was saying that I was motivation for others trying to hold on. I, being the vagabond I am, was UP-SET. I’m like is GUILT the only thing keeping me out of someone else’s 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets (hey, even if I sin, I’m still bourgeois)? That’s not enough.

At the same time, I want to be comfortable in having feelings and that includes sexual ones. God is not going to smite me for wondering what a tender kiss feels like or the warmth of cuddling with someone or even which senses physical passion arouses . It’s not lust and idolatry unless my mind is inundated with these thoughts. Did you read that church leaders?! Stop trying to SCARE people into sexual purity by saying stuff like even thinking about sex is a sin. It isn’t. DWELLING on sexual thoughts is. There is a difference and y’all need to learn it before you have another youth/young adult/singles conference. Because your faulty teaching is messing up our lives.

As I was saying before I went on a tangent and started going hard in the paint, this time of solitude should be spent developing myself as a person and serving humanity, not plotting how I can get someone to bake my cookies (ok, I’m done with the cookie euphemism). Even focusing on NOT having sex is idolatry. My best guess at how to navigate these waters is to acknowledge the feelings and thoughts when they come and then just continue living! Don’t beat myself up for thinking about sex or its affiliates, but at the same time not marinate in their presence or I’ll end up pregnant for some random blonde hair, blue-eyed Norwegian guy at a black club named Sven (again, a separate but maybe tangentially related story). The baby would be cute though. Probably that’s irrelevant huh.

There you have it; another chapter in Flashe’s archives. Charismatic, awkward, and a horny virgin. The depths of this existence is starting to even shock me. Should that be happening?

Let’s go out with a bang…. or a ring with Ring My Bell by Anita Ward. See, no more cookie euphemism. =)


…and for my courageous souls who are still crazy enough to believe sex is sacred, a song for us by John Waller called “While I Wait”:


‘Til next time. may the [nonexistent] purity force be with you….